dianetics, crisis of confidence

[fearlesstemp]

I have LJ-Block. It's an issue. I keep trying to start entries and erasing the first paragraph, which is stupid, because this isn't the Great American Novel I'm trying to write here, it's a summary of my random recent life experiences and thoughts, and really, I don't have many of either and this shouldn't be that difficult to do. AND YET IT IS. I've decided that I'm not allowed to delete this opening paragraph, am only permitted to alter it so that it doesn't violate too many grammatical laws, in the hopes that I will write an actual entry.

Okay, actual entry. I haven't been updating my LJ lately, mostly because I've been busy and behind on everything in life, including my LJ. I wanted to write all of these posts about my trip in March, my experiences observing in schools last month - neither happened. Why can I write infinite entries about my boring temp jobs and how much I love my cats, but when I actually do noteworthy stuff, nothing happens? I think it's such a shock to my system that I don't know how to process worthy life experiences. There's a theory.

Anyway. On the topic of non-worthy life experiences: my current workplace is located on this super-busy four-lane road which is lined on both sides with a variety of strip malls and cheap eateries. Making a left turn out of the parking lot is a bitch, but I enjoy the fact that, if need be, I can scoot over to Mr. Subb's and get potato nuggets for lunch and still make it back before my paltry half-hour lunch runs out, and also there are interesting, non-traditional organizations taking up space in some of the strip malls.

Like Scientologists. Driving home from work the other day, I saw the same big sign I've seen lots of times before: DIANETICS on a blue background. For some reason my long-term memory kicked in and I remembered that that was one of Scientology's nicknames (or maybe it's their official name? I'm no good at this. I was in college before I realized that the Latter Day Saints were the same as Mormons), and I got to thinking: I bet that's the best way to meet Tom Cruise. Like, sign up for the church, get heavily involved, devote yourself to the way, go to a big conference, and who knows? You could be sitting next to him at the Sunday night social! Or Jenna Elfman. Maybe even John Travolta.

It's a possible plan. But I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for it. I mean, even if L. Ron is right, I bet that's not how God (or is L. Ron God according to Scientology? I really don't know) would like you to discover the right path. I'm no religious scholar (though I did win the 12th grade Theology award at my Catholic high school, thankyouverymuch), but I'm pretty sure. Also, it's pretty disrespectful. As is this entry, most likely. My apologies to any and all Scientologists if this offends. You guys really do seem to have it together. I hear Jenna Elfman has a new show next fall and everything.

In other news: I have been in Extra Cringe Mode lately, to the point that my family can't stand me. Usually I've got a fair amount of Stealth Self Confidence going on, so that even if I may appear scattered and vulnerable, deep down I think I'm pretty awesome. Lately it's just scattered and vulnerable all the way down, and I keep finding myself having Apology Attacks and Over Capitalizing and asking people forty times if the outfit I'm wearing looks okay. I don't know when it started; I can note that when I did my first observation, the teacher handed me her evaluation of my performance instead of sending it into the school, and on it I got all 3s (satisfactory) and 4s (excellent), except for one category, where I got a 2 (needs improvement). That category was self confidence - since this sheet is supposed to help the program design my curriculum, does this mean I get to take a Seminar in How Awesome I Am? Because that would be cool.


I think the crisis of confidence it has something to do with my being worse-off financially than I've ever been (those observations, writing up the journals, preparing for and taking Ed Psych test, my recent Heyer novel addiction: all things that take up time that could be spent earning money) and going back to school - I'm excited about it, but also nervous, and I feel like all this stuff is changing. Also, I went onto Friendster the other day and so many of my former classmates are having such exciting lives, and all I can say about my development in the past seven years is that I've got a better haircut. Whoot.

Okay, I lied, I can say more, and yes, I do appreciate my life choices, blah blah blah, but I'm sorry, you're just not human if you don't suffer some paralyzing self-doubt after seeing what your high school classmates are doing. Some of them are living out the dreams they had in high school. Most of them look great. A lot of them are in relationships. I'm very happy for them. Really. I am.

No, really, I am - I didn't mind high school that much, mostly because I was oblivious to the horrors of it. I don't remember there being popular people or judgmental cliques or anything but my best friend from way back, The Infamous Annie who really needs to update her LJ more, tells me they were there, and I trust her opinion. I was too busy obsessing over Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Remember WENN to notice. How cool I was. Or maybe I was lucky.

One note about current high school girls: they carry purses to and from class. Purses! Not bookbags or messenger bags, but purses, some of them the tiny decorative kind that don't look to be useful at all. Have times changed? Is this an isolated event? Have girls always carried purses in school and my school was just an anomoly?

I would give you more Purse Thoughts, but I have to go pay bills with money I don't have and then go to bed. Sweet dreams, all.

Comments

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

So you're the one I caught the dreaded ljblockitus from! :D

Self-doubt is a way of life for me...and I've learned to proudly embrace it!

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Self-doubt is a way of life for me, too, when I think about it. I must learn to proudly embrace it too!

And isn't ljblockitis the WORST? Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

[dick-grayson.livejournal.com]

Welcome to my world. Not only do I not post, but I wallow in self-doubt all the time. Latest crisis: the bar exam, which I'm convinced I will not pass. I had a minor freakout last night when I informed my mother that there is no way I'm taking this test twice. If I fail in July, that's it! On to Plan C, whatever the hell that is. Also, I think the Scientologists like it if you have money, so that leaves us both out.

[lawgeekgurl.livejournal.com]

howdy. you seem to know some of my friends, which means I may know you, but not by this journal name. Or something. At any rate, hang in there on the bar exam. I took two different ones, and was convinced both times I would fail, and therefore would end up on the street selling pencils to pay back my student loans, etc. I passed both, but the second one was perhaps worse than the first in the paralyzing fear respect. My advice to you is don't even think that far ahead (as to whether or not you'd take it again, or even whether or not you'll fail), it's stressful enough to try to keep up with the reading and the notecard making during bar prep. Really the bar exam covers most of what you learned in law school. If you had a good law school education (and I'd argue that any accredited school will give you that), the bar exam should be tapping that knowledge, even if you don't think it will when you're trying to remember all the minutuea during prep time. You'll remember a lot more during the exam than you think you will now. Also, exam prep confusion doesn't really start to dissipate until the final two weeks or so of bar prep, when you start consolidating all you've reviewed and realize hey, you know most of this, and it's all interconnected. That's the most valuable time for bar prep I think. This early stuff? Just attend classes (if you're taking a review course) and read the assignments and try not to jam it all into your head now. Plenty of time for making notecards and crib notes when classes are over.

Good luck!

(p.s. I added you; I hope you do not mind. Always nice to have fellow lawgeeks in the journaling world.)

[dick-grayson.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your advice! It's really good to hear a voice of reason once in a while. I agree that it's a little too soon to be worrying this much, so I hope that anxiety will wear off (or maybe just tone down a bit) in the next couple of weeks. Also, I've added you right back!

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Just have to jump in here to say aw, people making friends in my LJ! This seriously made my afternoon. fearlesstemp: bringing people together through endless ramblings about self-doubt and scientology.

[lawgeekgurl.livejournal.com]

hey, during the first bar exam prep, they were peeling me off the ceiling by the end of May. You just have to remember it's an endurance test rather than a sprint, and try not to burn out early on. I just attended classes, read the assignments for that class, highlighted the materials, and took notes. The condensing and indexing and note-card making comes later. What I did during the last weeks after classes finished was go through subject by subject, making notecards of the elements of each, specifically including things I kept forgetting or thought I might need remining of. From those, I reviewed and then in the week before the test, I made another set containing just those things I thought I'd forget. These are what I used to study from, not the big bulky outlines. Easier to card to and from the test center and leave in your car. :)

Hang in there, you will be fine.

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of sad that the Scientologists don't want me, even if I'd never want to join. Kind of the same way I got all insulted when Bill the Devout Catholic didn't call and ask me out again after our horrid date. How dare he reject me? I was supposed to reject him! Etc.

And oh lordy, the bar exam - best of luck to you, though I'm sure you won't need it because you are wicked smart and I know you'll do great. And lawgeekgurl just gave you knowledgeable advice! You're going to rock!

[glendaglamazon.livejournal.com]

Deep down, I think you're pretty awesome, too!

As for not updating with the worthwhile stuff, that's because it's actually, you know, big real-life kinda stuff. The kind you live. Not the kind you bitch about. It takes a lot of energy just to do it, so rehashing it isn't as much fun. That's my theory anyway.

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

I think you're pretty awesome!

And I think you might be onto something with your theory. I like it. It certainly sounds better than my explanation!

[lawgeekgurl.livejournal.com]

Dianetics is a book written by L. Ron Hubbard, the science fiction writer who "invented" Scientology. They promote it similarly to the way Mormons promote the Book of Mormon which was written by the founder of that religion. Or cult. Depending on who you talk to.

Scientology is some crazy shit. And Tom Cruise should shut the hell up about Brooke Sheilds taking antidepressants for postpartum depression. Has he ever had a child? No? Then shut the fuck up about what someone in that situation with postpartum depression should or should not put in their body to counteract it.

I think I remember attempting to carry a purse at school, but then the whole bookbag crazy took over, and unless it's small enough to fit in the bookbag, it's just one more thing to carry. If it's a small cute jewelry-accessory kind of purse that really only holds a lip gloss and some cash, I could see girls carrying that. Especially if they're designer purses. It's all about the haves and have-nots in high school.

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the cliff's notes version of Scientology! I understand it a little better now. Am perhaps even more creeped out, too. (By the way, have you ever seen the South Park episode about Mormonism? V. funny, though I felt kidn of mean and disrepsectful for laughing. But I laughed at the one on Catholicism, too! Does that even it out?)

Dude. How crazy is Tom Cruise? SO CRAZY. It kind of makes me sad. I love Jerry Maguire so much. I don't want him to be crazy!

When I was in school, the bookbag craze had taken hold. I think maybe one girl carried a purse out of my class of 75, and she was nice and everything, but not considered a trend setter. But the status thing still seeped through - when I was there, it was all about the LL Bean bookbags with appropriate embroidered initials. I had a boring red Jansport, but I was totally jealous of all the people with initialed bags.

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Oh my God. Why did I not click the "check spelling and preview" option when I posted my reply to your comment before? All those typos! It must have almost been time to leave work for the day. Or I'm just getting dumber by the day. Maybe both?

Ack!

[navia.livejournal.com]

I've had LJ-Block for the longest time with no end in sight. My LJ is meant to be 100 percent fandom-related, too, which only makes it harder to break the block.

The other day I noticed the founding church of Scientology in DC. I pass it all the time, but it blends in with the street and the trees. I have no idea what goes on in there.

I carried a purse in high school, mostly as a fashion accessory, but I had a bookbag too. Have these girls completely ditched their bookbags? Do they just carry their books everywhere?

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love your icon. Meg! I'm so sad about American Dreams.

I hope you get over your LJ-Block! I love reading your posts. I'll even give you a potential topic: Did you see the Everwood finale? Did you like it? I'm all about Everwood lately and I don't know if I got to comment on your last entry about Everwood, but I liked it and meant to comment!

Have these girls completely ditched their bookbags? Do they just carry their books everywhere?

I saw very few bookbags. I also didn't see many actual books - it seemed like most kids just brought a notebook to class, if that. I was always so nervous and super-prepared for class - I had to make sure I had my book, notebook, folder, etc., on hand at all times, so I used a bookbag. The people who could wander in with half a sheet of looseleaf and pencil stub just blew my mind.

[navia.livejournal.com]

Has it officially been canceled yet? The NBC announcements completely passed me by. Ugh, how can they leave it at a mediocre season finale? I demand at least a TV movie to wrap things up. I want hope for Meg and Sam, I want JJ to be a success and leave the evil Beth, I want Meg and JJ to kiss and make up and go back to the halcyon days when they were each other's favorites and used to dance together in the kitchen. *sob*

I hope you get over your LJ-Block! I love reading your posts. I'll even give you a potential topic: Did you see the Everwood finale? Did you like it?

See, I don't consider TV commentary posts real posts, b/c they're what I use to break my LJ-Block (though they don't really work). But I'm glad you requested Everwood, b/c I completely forgot I have one ep left to watch! The second to last ep was so much like a finale, with Ephram flying away and all, but no, it was a fake-out.

I saw very few bookbags. I also didn't see many actual books - it seemed like most kids just brought a notebook to class, if that.

Maybe this is poignant commentary on the state of the public school system in the U.S. ::quiet contemplation:: Or maybe they're too cheap to give books to students and just keep them in the classroom? How can there be high school with no books?

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Has it officially been canceled yet?

From what I've seen, it has been, which is annoying because as great as the Meg/Roxanne scenes were at the end, I don't want the ending of the series to be Meg riding off with Jess from Gilmore Girls! It's Meg&Sam 4eva! Hello!

I read on the TWoP boards that the creator had an alternate ten-minute ending filmed to wrap up the series if NBC had let him know before the last episode aired that it was going to be the finale. Now I guess they're trying to get NBC to let them air it over the summer. But I like your idea of a TV movie even better. I need JJ and Meg to make amends!

Or maybe they're too cheap to give books to students and just keep them in the classroom? How can there be high school with no books?

There were a lot of handouts and worksheets - most of them seemed to be pretty beneath the level of a high school student. In the middle school I observed, they actually couldn't afford to let kids take books home -- can you imagine?? Not even the novels they're mandated by the district to read! They have to sit in class and listen to the books being read on tape sometimes - and that was what was done in the best English class I observed.

[navia.livejournal.com]

, I don't want the ending of the series to be Meg riding off with Jess from Gilmore Girls! It's Meg&Sam 4eva! Hello!

The ending felt rushed and like it was supposed to suffice as a series finale if necessary, but it did *not*. I didn't buy Meg running off after Chris went missing for several eps. Especially when during those several eps Meg wasted no time in making the moves on Sam. I am still bitter that Meg/Sam people basically got the brush off by a two episode exploration into Meg/Sam and why it could not be. Bleh.

I read on the TWoP boards that the creator had an alternate ten-minute ending filmed to wrap up the series if NBC had let him know before the last episode aired that it was going to be the finale.

I fear that. What could possibly happen in ten minutes to wrap up the series? The only thing I can think of is my most hated TV finale device of all time -- a projection into the future. "Meg went on to be a flight attendant with two children, JJ went on to be killed in a gruesome lawn mower accident, Beth remarried to Will after he turned 18," and on and on. HATE.

There were a lot of handouts and worksheets - most of them seemed to be pretty beneath the level of a high school student. In the middle school I observed, they actually couldn't afford to let kids take books home -- can you imagine?? Not even the novels they're mandated by the district to read! They have to sit in class and listen to the books being read on tape sometimes - and that was what was done in the best English class I observed.

I believe, I believe. I went to public school, and it was almost entirely useless. I mean, it was socially valuable, but there wasn't a lot of educating going on. We did have books, but we didn't really have any teachers. So depressing.

[krabapple.livejournal.com]

Oh, all the girls in my high school carried purses. Maybe it's a Southern thing?

I don't remember what I used, though I think I just had a backpack, not a purse and a backpack, like the other girls. I was a Yankee at heart even then, it seems. :)

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

More and more people are saying purses were The Thing! I think the lack of purses in my high school may have been an exception instead of the rule. It still seems odd to me - why carry something so small it can't effectively carry your stuff? It just becomes more stuff to carry! Why carry more stuff? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Well, that's a lie. I do: it's to look cute. One of the best parts of going to an all-girls Catholic high school (there are some best parts) is that the need to look cute is decidedly diminished.

[foxyfrau.livejournal.com]

My mom was involved in Scientology for a while. As you already heard above, Dianetics is a book by L. Ron Hubbard. I have to say, I don't know that much about it, but it never really sounded like a religion to me, just like a method of dealing with certain situations, kind of like what yoga is to me. It does sound creepy, though, the way all these celebrities are involved, but I think it has been kind of warped into something else. Then again, I gues it is called the "Church" of Scientology. I'll have to ask my mom about, like I said, I don't know that much about it.