formerly a fearless temp

While I was in California visiting the fantastic foxyfrau, we had many adventures, one of which ended with a group of us waiting outside for an hour and a half one night for Triple A (keys got locked in the trunk). During that wait, we found many ways to pass the time - embarrassing revelations (such as Anna's mastery of early-nineties R&B), trips down memory lane, and finally a riddle put forth by one of Anna's California friends.

California Friend said, "Marine is a six-letter word where every two letters is the abbreviation of a state - what is the seven-letter word that follows the same pattern? It also starts with M."

We stood around for a while trying to solve it out loud, and then decided we needed paper to use. One of us pulled out a book from his/her bag and said, "There's blank pages at the back we could use here! Who's got a pen?"

Now it's poll time! About this and a couple tangential issues.

[Poll #1020360]

I've been wanting to write a 2005 wrapup entry, but I keep having to delete paragraphs because they suck so much, and so I will just post the highlights and then move on.

The main highlights of 2005!

(1) I went to Europe! I climbed to the top of that big hill in Athens and walked around those ruins you see in postcards. I went to London and got a scary free haircut and wandered around the Portrait Gallery. I went to Germany and bravely traveled around by myself without knowing anything of the language beyond Wie Getz (and I know I spelled that wrong - I'm going to clock how long it takes Anna to pop up in my LJ comments to correct me).

(2) I decided on a career! I went back to school for teaching, and have endured seven brutal months of a one-year 50+ credit Master's Degree program, and in June I will be done.

(3) I got involved in a political campaign! A losing one, yes, but still: involvement, investment, all that good stuff.

Moving on!

I spent New Year's Eve with my two best friends from college, Jo and Anna, which was awesome. Jo was dressed impeccably, as always, if a bit impractically, in boots with three-inch-heels, and so the three of us walked around the city in a line, Anna and I on either side of Jo, linked at the elbow to make sure she wouldn't fall down. It felt goofy and ridiculous and just like our friendship and I loved it. Naturally, at the end of the night, it was I, the one in ugly, practical, rubber-soled winter boots, who wiped out only ten feet from the car. I ended up flat on my back, arms and legs in the air, like a turtle stuck on the wrong side of her shell. It was pretty funny, at least until Anna stole my thunder by walking into the garage door at the end of the night, giving herself a big goose egg.

The scary truth is: None of us had been drinking.

The non-scary truth is: 2005 was a year of significant personal growth for me. I can't believe I typed that sentence, but I can't help it! IT'S TRUE. I did things I was afraid of and didn't give up! Who cares if I also went over my cell phone minutes to the tune of three figures in the last month of 2005? Does it really matter if my personal space was in such shambles that I found myself getting the same frustrated, disgusted, sigh-filled lectures from my parents that I remember from when I was thirteen? No, it does not!

What really matters is that I have my health, my family, my friends, and yes, my cats.

May 2006 treat all of you kindly.

The big question of the day: Will I make it home tonight? My father used my car this weekend and, as is his way, left it almost completely out of gas this morning. I gambled and scooted to work on around an eighth of a tank because I had no time to stop this morning, and I have a vague memory of a gas station in the skeevy part of town about a mile away under a bridge, but (a) I may be imagining that, and (b) skeevy part of town under a bridge.

Wish me luck. At least I have my new cell phone should I end up stranded!

I have not mentioned this yet! I have a new cell phone! It is awesome! I get reception in my house! I am so happy! Look at my abuse of exclamation points!

Over the weekend, I went out to visit The Infamous Annie, and did many exciting things like:

-Watched The Bourne Supremacy again (love it!);
-Watched six hours of Keen Eddie, my latest foolish DVD purchase (love it! Details may follow);
-Watched three hours of Freaks and Geeks, Annie's latest foolish DVD purchase (love it in that OMG it hurts my heart because it's so right kind of way);
-Gossiped a lot; and
-Ate an unholy amount of food.

And then I came home and watched the special on The History Channel about the War of 1812, which I had been looking forward to for weeks (yes, that's just how lame I am). It did not disappoint! Fascinating stuff! For example, did you know that the American soldiers retreated so fast from the Battle of Washington that the chasing British soldiers collapsed of heatstroke? Go us!

Also: Dolly Madison was awesome, and I have a new respect for Baltimore. Is that intriguing enough to get you guys to watch the program? You should! It's great. Andrew Jackson shows up for the last twenty minutes, and everyone knows how he livens up a party!

(Speaking of Andrew Jackson – he totally broke my heart. When I was sixteen, I read The President's Lady, which was this historical novel about his relationship with his wife, who was this totally unsuitable divorcee but who he just loved SO MUCH. I was totally in love with him, and idealized him and his whole new democracy, party in the streets inauguration thing, and then I realized that he was responsible for the Trail of Tears! Horror! Betrayal! And that's how I learned not to put political leaders on pedestals.)

After the War of 1812 was over, I watched my tape of Jack and Bobby, which I was spiritually obligated to do. They namechecked the Kennedy mystique in the series title! They totally had me!

( jack and bobby )

5PM! I'm outta here

Happy Birthday to Kaelie!!!

Friend, writer, BT Extraordinaire -- I hope you have the most fabulous of fabulous days! You deserve it!

Just under the wire -- Happy Birthday to the fabulous Elizabeth, one of the nicest, coolest, most talented people out there. I hope you had a great day and that the coming year brings all kinds of happy surprises! Because who doesn't love a happy surprise? :)

Happy birthday!

Is it poor form to liken a BeeGees medley to a religious experience? Because wow. I felt something come over me while watching that, and it could have been The Power. I squealed loudly and clapped my hands and kicked my feet up into the air like the spastic freak I am at heart and most of all, I am so grateful that there were no people in the immediate vicinity to be harmed by my flailing appendages. Or, for that matter, the high-pitched squeals I emitted. No shattered glass!

THEY WERE SO AWESOME!! Ah! It was so fabulous! I think about it and start gazing off into the distance with a stupid grin on my face while unconsciously boppin' in my chair. Ah! NSYNC 2GETHA 4EVA!!!

I love them so much. SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

Ahem. Must attempt to control self.

Also! James Taylor!!! I love James Taylor so much! Whenever he sings, I feel like there can't be anything wrong in the world. He is my Prozac. Really, the only bad thing to come out of the Grammys is the fact that I cannot stop singing that Norah Jones song, which is one of those deadly ditties that sounds like it could be sung well by anyone, but really? Only trained professionals, please. Or really, anyone but me. I scared the cats away. I think I will have to ply them with promises of vocal silence and bits of Chex Mix to get them to hang out with me again.

Ok, on the subject of *NSYNC-Related Things I Love, Justin's new video! I love it! This statement of approval must be taken with the requisite grain of salt, as what I've said in the past about *NSYNC-related things, pasted below:

I am not what you would call particularly critical when it comes to *NSYNC. Basically, my complaints are usually related to the fact that the video/performance/interview had to end. Other than that, I'm pretty much always happy.

continues to be true. I have no objectivity! And I don't care! Objectivity is overrated! I heart them and therefore I heart everything they do!! I have the emotional maturity and critical eye of a thirteen year old where they're concerned and I DON'T CARE!!

But really, fabulous stuff! Justin, jammin' in the cool club! And my inner teenie fan was very happy with the fact that for the bulk of the time he sang to the "you" whose body he wanted to "rock" he was looking directly into the camera and therefore at me! Sitting at home in my red flannel pajamas with little Scottie dogs emblazoned on them, zit control cream dabbed over my problem areas, with a half-eaten granola bar sitting forgotten in my lap! Wow, I really am thirteen. But I don't care! Justin wants to rock my body! I won't be so quick to walk away, Justin! If you want to rock my body, I will gladly stay! I will freely admit that I want to play! I will dance with you Justin, I WILL!!!!!

Again, ahem.

Sudden change of topic necessitated, in part, by the fact that I think I've used up my quota of exclamation points for the next five and a half years.

Last night! Last night Anna and I decided to Do Something Different (well, Anna decided and I went along; I will rarely really decide to Do Soemthing Different. Left to my own devices, I would split all of my free time between the bookstore, my favorite restaurants, and the local indie arty movie theater. Ah, I lie. I would go to the big evil megaplex because they would play the indie art flicks as well as movies like Shanghai Noon which I STILL have not seen because no one I know wants to see it. Anyone feel like driving to Upstate New York to see it with me? As of right now, I've whined about wanting to see it so much that my mother has offered to go with me just to shut me up. I kid, I kid. No need to cross state lines to see a movie with me. Not seeing the latest wacky adventures of Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan won't *kill* me, I suppose. I *suppose*. And actually, my mom saw Rush Hour and really enjoyed it so I think she could dig the Shanghai Knights vibe. What was I talking about before I opened this parenthesis? Oh! Back on topic...), and so we went to see Antigone Rising, this all-female band, play at a club in our area.

So anyway, Anna and I are chillin' in the club, Anna with her Corona, I with my oh-so-cool regular coke (for some reason, I feel less lame ordering a regular coke than a diet coke when I'm out), both of us watching this balding guy in his mid-thirties eye Anna with no shame, when all of a sudden I go to reach for my omnipresent pack of pink Extra gum and discover -- dun dun DUN -- that my keys aren't sitting alongside it in my pocket! Drama! I check the other pocket, begin to panic, and then experience a traumatic wavy-lined flashback to getting out of the car. There I was, standing in the parking lot, deciding which belongings would be left behind in The Electric Lady and which would make the cut to come into the club with me. While jostling for the lip gloss, ID, cash, and gum that made the cut, I watched my keys fall into a puddle at my feet. Silly Jess, I thought, Don't forget you dropped those!

And of course I did. So I had to tear out of the club like a bat out of hell, though I really doubt anyone would either (a) break into my car or (b) steal it, even if the keys to said car are lying in a puddle right next to the driver's side door. The car practically screams More Trouble Than Its Worth.

Needless to say, the keys were there, the car and our belongings unharmed, and so I returned to find Anna sitting alone, Mr. Balding Thirty-Something not having worked up the courage to strike up a convo with her, and we resumed our wacky adventures in the club.

Which continued with the Attack of the Heavily Medicated Drunk Lady. Anna and I were mindin' our bizness, sitting down after the opening act finished and waiting for the actual band to start, when this woman plopped down in the chair facing us about a foot and a half away and started talking to us.

"[Unintelligible Rambling]," she said, popping open her Mike's Cranberry Lemonade.

And Anna and I just stared at her because wow, did she merit staring because she was not the type of person you came across every day. Mid to late thirties, with a lopsided modified black mullet 'do with bright red highlights, heavy makeup and crazy eyes, olive green former shirt now modified vest, jeans with turquoise flowers embroidered on them, and tattoos running up and down each arm.

"Hm?" I said, because I am apparently VERY STUPID and cannot turn off the politeness, even when Heavily Medicated Drunks are involved.

"I KEEP FREAKING PEOPLE OUT!" she shouted. "I'VE SCARED THREE TABLES AWAY!" And then she pointed in various directions with this wild look in her eye and I began to wonder if she was armed.

"Oh," Anna said, turning to me. "Jess, didn't we want to go check out the --"

"THE THING IS, I SPEAK THE TRUTH AND THAT FREAKS PEOPLE OUT. THEY JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT!" She shook her head, mourning for those people she'd left behind who were unable to deal with her intense brand of honesty. I envied them.

"[Unintelligible rambling]," she said, and then when we didn't respond, leaned forward and bellowed, "ARE YOU GAY?" at Anna, who said no, and then at me, who said the same thing. Well, I said no, not "ARE YOU GAY?" Just to clarify.

And then I sat there frozen by the intense awkwardness of the situation and nearly died. Because! Crazy drunk drug-addled lady talking to me! Do not want to anger her or particularly endear myself to her! I ended up ruing the moment Anna and I decided to sit in that spot and was going to try to wait her out when Heavily Medicated Drunk Lady said something I couldn't understand, laughed loudly, and reached over and GRABBED MY LEG.

And so then Anna and I decided that it was worth the risk of pissing off the HMDL to get out of Dodge right then.

"We have to go check out that thing!" I said, pointing to the other side of the club.

"I FREAKED YOU GUYS OUT TOO, HUH," said the Heavily Medicated Drunk Lady.

"No!" I said. "Not at all! We just...really have to go. Nice to meet you!"

And then we bolted.

Later in the evening we also spotted the Crazy Eyed Guy I sat next to at the peace meeting a few weeks back. I considered introducing him to the HMDL, but since that would have required talking to both parties involved, thought better of it.

The rest of the evening passed rather unventfully, as did today, save the few hours I spent picking up my aunt and uncle at the airport and the freaking out over the medley a little earlier tonight. That is all for now! And so we conclude the latest adventures of Jess, the Socially Awkward, *NSYNC-Obsessed Twenty-Something.

So I went with [Anna}, my favorite pinko-commie friend, to this anti-war meeting tonight and boy, it was a trip. The meeting was endless, if informative, and I certainly got to know some interesting people. Sample dialog:

Boy Whose Clothes Consist Entirely (And I Mean Entirely) Of Patches (Patches, for Short): I don't think we're paying enough attention to Palestine.

Emotional Pigtailed Girl: I would like to echo what Patches said and say that we aren't paying enough attention to Palestine.

Redheaded Doctor: I would like to say that while I understand what both Emotional Pigtailed Girl and Patches are saying, the peace movement in America is facing a FIERCE TEST and I think we should focus on that. We are about to be TESTED! We must be FOCUSED! DETERMINED!

Facilitator Dude: Excellent point.

Patches: I hear what you're saying, but I still don't think we're paying enough attention to Palestine.

Emotional Pigtailed Girl: I would like to say that I completely agree with Patches.

[Ten minutes of pointless, roundabout discussion resolving nothing.]

Facilitator Dude: I hear what everyone's saying. How can we fix this?

Random Peacenik: I think we should make a flier.

Facilitator Dude: I think that's an excellent idea.

That turned out to be the go-to solution for almost everything, making a flier. Every time a flier was proposed, it sparked a twenty-minute discussion of who would make the flier, where it would be copied, how it would be picked up, where it would be distributed, etc.

It was a good meeting though! Very informative, and it's nice to see people being all active and stuff. Even if I did have to sit next to a smelly guy with a nervous tic who kept talking to himself. Or maybe he was talking to me? I couldn't tell. I smiled and nodded a lot.

Anyway, after that, Anna and I grabbed dinner at the local vegetarian person and I was feeling SO socially responsible, eating vegetarian and attending peace meetings and the like, that I felt the immediate need to go to the nearest massive corporate box store and thusly we went to Border's. There, Anna and I indulged our Border's Tradition, which is to go to the young adult section and pull out The Likes of Me, a book which has, I believe, the funniest back cover ever! Ever! Reproduced here for your enjoyment:

Cordelia Lu Hankins is half Caucasian, half Chinese -- and all albino. She has grown up isolated from the world, with her distant father and a giant stepmother named Babe (after Paul Bunyan's blue ox), in a remote lumber town in the Pacific Northwest. She is convinced she is ugly and that her father has deliberately hidden her away. Then in the summer of 1918, when she is fourteen, she meets the dashing Squirl. Squirl is charming and handsome, and Cordy falls desperately in love with him. But her father forbids her to go near Squirl. One day they meet on the mountain and Cordy receives her first kiss, as well as a wild ride down a log flume that gets Squirl fired.

Determined to follow Squirl, Cordy runs away. She begins an exciting adventure that takes her to the sideshows of Seattle's Luna Park, where her unusual looks bring her fame. But her journey also brings tragedy in this thought-provoking coming-of-age novel. Randall beth Platt has created an original, resourceful teenage heroine with a strong voice and a gutsy determination to make her way in the world.

Okay, so, I'm sure the book is quite good and maybe someday I'll actually read it (I tend to go for fun over substance in my YA novels, which is why I'm such a fan of The Princess Diaries and the like), but I don't know if it could ever live up to the sheer enjoyment factor of that back cover.

And now I must go to bed and ready myself for another day in the salt mines, aka the law office. But! Tomorrow's Friday! Woo!

A scene from my evening:

ANNA and JESS stand in one of their old college haunts, the local CVS store. JESS spots Tootsie Roll Midgees.

JESS: Holy Crap! 75% off!

ANNA: You've gotta get them, man.

JESS: I don't know, I'll eat them all and I might turn into one giant Midgee or something.

ANNA: Like Barbie's friend?

JESS: What?

ANNA: Like before Skipper, Midge, Barbie's friend?

JESS: Was she stout or something?

ANNA: No! She was tall and had short red hair.

JESS: What, was she --

RANDOM SCARY HOMELESS LOOKING DUDE: Hey girls! Nice peacoats! Haven't seen peacots on girls in a while, that's nice.

ANNA and JESS: ...

RSHLD: (Leaves)

~FIN~

I don't know about you, but there's no higher praise than that which comes from Random Scary Homeless Looking Dudes. It was nice to hear he enjoyed our peacoats. But! It also made me worry! Is my coat hopelessly out of style? But then I remembered: Do I really care?

Other highlight of the evening: I ordered a Mango Latte instead of a Mango Lassi (or however you spell it) at the Indian Restaurant, and didn't realize my mistake until the waitress repeated the actual name back to me like three times. I swear, you can take the whitebread suburban girl out of the suburbs, but you can't take the suburbs out of the whitebread suburban girl.

Also, do you even know how much I adore JC's new song? It is so fabulous and dancey! I can't get it out of my head. It is eating my brain and I don't mind. JC!

Oh, and one more thing, because Office Space is one of my all-time favorite movies.

( don't you want to know which office space character I am? )

I think there should be Epi-Pens for intense bouts of NSYNC Love. Like, they have them for Diabetics and people with intense food allergies, why not another important, suffering portion of the population? Well, maybe not suffering, but certainly possibly dangerous. God knows how many people I could injure should Up Against the Wall be released as a single and I hear it in the car.

( Read more about the *N-Pen. You know you want to. )

It takes a special kind of moron to lock him or herself out on his/her apartment balcony twice in the space of a few weeks. A moron like me.

Well, not just me. It was a team effort -- Annie was there for both incidents, but at least she was drunk the first time when she was the one who slammed the door. Tonight it was me, stone-cold sober, who shut the door behind us with a flourish swiftly followed by open-mouthed horror when I realized that none of my keys worked in the locked door. Horror!

Blessedly, Jen came back after we'd been out there only an hour or so, and we did have NSYNC to discuss and Diet Coke to drink, so it was ok. Mind you, my can of Diet Coke was my third or fourth of the night, so there was some concern over potential bodily function emergencies, but Jen returned in time. (Thank God)

But really! How does one person DO such a thing?? I shouldn't be allowed out of the house without careful supervision. The balcony isn't even safe from the idiocy of Jessica! There is no safe haven from my moronicness!

Look at that! Moronicness. I don't even think that's a word!

Speaking of moronicness, it's a good thing I'm graduating and, therefore, my sessions tutoring the professor from China are almost over since she's getting to areas of English I don't fully understand and therefore can't come close to explaining. How does one use the subjunctive? I don't even know what the subjunctive is! Why do some words have articles and some don't? No idea! I'm helpful with simple things, like when she comes in and asks me about the big white fabric building in front of the library ("tent"), but beyond that? Not so much.