diary of a monday morning

[fearlesstemp]

12:30AM: Idealistically set alarm for 6:23, knowing that would give me enough time to get up and exercise before work! Because I must start the week positively! Will exercise! Yes! Get in bed, lie down, and go to sleep.

12:34AM: Not quite. Sit up and decide to watch some more Angel.

12:58AM: Frantically scramble for remote control and turn off Angel mere moments before the creepy floating eyes portion of "I Fall To Pieces".

1:00AM: Go to sleep to the sounds of the All My Children theme song on Soapnet.

[Long, involved dream about Jason and Courtney from General Hospital, where Jason gives Courtney this silver ring and declares his love and all that. Because I am a sap, I was moved.]

6:41AM: First moment of actual conscious thought, having slammed the snooze button twice while mostly still sleeping. Hear radio personality loudly bemoaning the fact that it is, again, below zero. Despite late sleep in, still have time to exercise before work. Decide will do so in just a couple minutes.

6:43AM: Yeah right.

7:25AM: Jump out of bed like a shot at the sound of maternal unit's shrill screams of "JESSICA ANNE [LAST NAME DELETED]! ARE YOU EVER GETTING OUT OF BED?!"

7:27AM: Weigh self. Realize have gained weight despite relatively regular exercise regime. Consider bringing hair dryer into shower and ending it all. Decide am not that dramatic and also, I could be retaining water. That's it. Am retaining water.

7:28AM: Shower, skin care regime, brush teeth, put in contacts, etc.

7:43AM: Discover stockings have massive run in them. Have no auxiliary stockings and so simply have to remember not to cross my legs such that too much of my left leg is exposed.

7:51AM: Run out to start car. Find door frozen shut; wrench it open and thank the gods that I had not locked it the night before as the locks are surely frozen. Experience ten seconds of sheer terror when engine hesitates; have prepared laundry list of curses when it turns over. Pat car's dashboard affectionately and apologize for doubting it.

7:52AM: Dry hair, which is partially frozen. Listen to war debate on the Today show and get righteously angry.

7:57AM: Put frizz control cream in hair, which is the most styling said hair is going to get.

7:58AM: Maternal unit warns that I should wear my boots because it rained yesterday and now it's below zero, blah blah blah. Do not want to wear boots. Consider asserting own authority; lack energy and instead run upstairs to find boots.

7:59AM: Find boots. Also find credit card statement, which is due today. Hate self for being disorganized and stuff it into bag with boots. Realize that it's February's fault for being so short that I didn't realize March 3 would arrive so quickly. Feel somewhat redeemed.

8:01AM: Frantically apply concealer, mascara, lip gloss, and foundation powder. Still look half-dead. Give self points for making effort.

8:04AM: Should have left five minutes ago. Hate self. Realize nearly put coat on without applying deodorant. Consider momentarily how often I may have done the same thing without realizing my mistake and wonder if I am, in fact, known as The Smelly Temp.

8:06AM: Begin gathering crap together.

8:07AM: Realize crap will not all fit in big black bag of goodness; have to resort to the oh-so-classy plastic grocery store bags. Hate local grocery store for changing the color of their bags from sedate off-white to attention-grabbing neon yellow.

8:09AM: Race out door, hollering over my shoulder for the parental units to have a good day.

8:10AM: Leave house.

8:30AM: Should be at work. Am, instead, in the middle of slow-moving traffic on exit ramp. Hate all fellow commuters.

8:33AM: Get trapped behind bus. Though intellectually appreciate the value and importance of public transportation, momentarily loathe it for lengthening my commute.

8:36AM: Pull into parking garage, wedge car into tight spot. Go to grab bag and hear unmistakable 'CLUNK' of something falling out of it and into the spot between the passenger-side door and the seat.

8:37AM: Spend a minute contorting self to get at fallen object, which have at this point realized was my cell phone. Realize it has fallen under the seat and I need to get at it from the other side.

8:37AM: Go to open other side, find it frozen shut. Realize have parked next to expensive BMW. Place flabby body between own moderately ghetto car door and expensive sedan to absorb impact once door is wrenched open. Yank door open, grab cell phone, and race for the stairs.

8:39AM: Go to cross street outside parking garage and realize have forgotten neon yellow grocery bag containing my shoes. Consider just wearing ugly bulky black boots.

8:40AM: Realize I actually do take some measure of pride in my appearance and so race back into parking garage. Decide I deserve to take the elevator, goddammit.

8:41AM: Ride up in elevator. Wonder if weekly weight gain could be caused by such decisions as rewarding self for flaking out by not engaging in physical exercise.

8:42AM: End unhappy train of thought. Arrive on third level, race to car, grab shoes, race back down the stairs and out into the street.

8:43AM: Mother of God, is it cold out.

8:44AM: Arrive in building. Walk self-confidently through doors and come face-to-face with creepy maintenance man. Meet his smile with averted eyes. Look down hall and realize elevator doors are closing. Break into run to catch said elevator.

8:45AM: Run into elevator. More tumble than run, actually, as the elevator was not level to the ground and caught foot on elevator floor, sending self flying into the elevator, arms waving around wildly, finally landing with an OOF mere inches away from random guy holding a handful of screws. Apologize profusely for nearly killing everyone in elevator. Random guy says that it's ok, patted his belly, and said that his paunch would have buffered my fall. Am overcome with love for random guy and other elevator passengers, who laugh good-naturedly with me instead of at me.

8:46AM: Arrive on tenth floor, race into office. Spend an hour answering calls, organizing filing, figuring out if I can pay my credit card bill online, and writing this LJ entry. Which brings us to

10:00AM: Now. Am faced with pile of loathesome filing and a just-delivered dictation tape. Off to be productive! My life is so exciting.

Comments

[pink-aster.livejournal.com]

So many lol's in that post, but I rofled when I read the bit about the smelly temp! Ahahahaha!

You are such a hoot.

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

I am a hoot! Aw, thank you! I think you're pretty hooty-licious yourself. :)

[suzy_queue]

LOL!! You crack me up, man. <.g>

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And also, love the icon. :)

[kaelie.livejournal.com]

Oh buddy! First thing in the morning and I'm sobbing with laughter. With you, though. Not at you. Never at you. :)

[fearlesstemp.livejournal.com]

Suuuure, that's what they all say. :)

Actually, I believe you. After all, laughing at the other half of The Brain would be laughing at yourself, wouldn't it? So it's all good. :)