fearlesstemp | breaking news

The bloodsucking ferrets are a running theme in this journal, and they're popping up again today after last night's traumatic experiences. And by "traumatic" I mean "mildly annoying."

The bloodsucking ferrets are probably not ferrets, and whatever species they are, I doubt they're bloodsucking. I know little about the bloodsucking ferrets other than the fact that they live in our attic and have discovered their main joy (perhaps purpose) in life is to run across my bedroom ceiling when I'm trying to get to sleep.

I'm kind of used to it by now. I sleep with a golf club by my side so I can just ram the ceiling a few times if the boys get rowdy, and it's all good. A lot of the time there's no noise at all. But as of late, they seem to be getting...bigger. Heavier. Louder. And it kind of freaked me out, but you know. I dealt.

And then the other morning I was woken up by something, this weird noise I assumed to be one of the cats purring. And since I'm a loving cat owner, I cursed said cats and hung over the edge of my bed to look underneath and, hopefully, yank them out. But they weren't there, and so I just assumed I was insane and went back to sleep.

And then last night. LAST NIGHT. I was sitting in bed about to go to sleep (at a decent hour for once!), ready to read my little book when I realized how loudly Scout, who was lying next to me asleep on the bed, was breathing. And then I looked again and thought, "That's weird. Her chest's not moving in time to the breathing. How does she do that?" And then I was all, "Oh my GOD, it's not SCOUT, it's coming from the WALL BEHIND MY HEAD!"

And then I silently freaked out and almost tripped over the luggage at the end of my bed (still not unpacked from Orlando) in my haste to get out of the room. Do you know how hard it is to silently freak out? Very hard!!

I had to silently freak out because I wanted verification that the noise did, in fact, exist, since Scout the Wonder Guard Kitty was sleeping right through it and offered no assistance. I grabbed my brother and dragged him into the hallway, trying to yell at him without a lot of noise (ultimately by whispering and using a lot of hand signals) to STAY QUIET, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

We got in there and stood on opposite sides of my bed a couple of feet away from the wall and he stood there with his best "You're a Certified Nutjob" expression on his face (one that's usually reserved for the times I start waxing poetic on how fabulous *NSYNC is). And then all of a sudden I heard it, this not exactly loud but still audible "whoosh-whoosh, whoosh-whoosh" of something breathing, and looked over and realized that HE HEARD IT TOO! Which meant, you know, yay! I'm not insane! But also boo hiss! I have some strange mouth-breathing critter living in my wall! How big does something have to be for you to be able to hear it breathing through the wall? Pretty big, right? Maybe it's a bird. An owl or a renegade pigeon or something.

Anyway, Jimmy was all, "I wouldn't sleep here," and that cemented it for me because once I get outside verification of scariness, any and all residual Jess Bravery shrivels up and dies. I tore out of there like nobody's business, pillow and blanket in tow like an overgrown four-year-old, and made my way downstairs to sleep on the couch.

But you know what? It's SCARY in my living room at night! It is! There are all these windows, and they're huge, and the whole lower level of my house is pretty wide open so I just lay there on the couch veering between horrible fears that a murderer was lurking right outside one of the big windows peering in, just about to move in for the kill, and flashbacks to Signs, which I saw on Friday night.

Ok, so maybe I am a little insane. But I didn't imagine the noise! I may be a scaredy cat, but I didn't imagine the noise! It was really there!

I ended up having to go upstairs and crash on my brother's couch (and yes, I did say COUCH because he went in and stole the big guest room (the one that housed all of the leftover furniture from our old house) my freshman year of college and now he's got this swank bachelor pad setup. He doesn't have bloodsucking ferrets running across his ceiling! Bastard.) I went to sleep to the lovely sounds of my brother playing some computer war game, all "[CHUKACHUKACHUKA...]Die you BASTARD! [KABOOM] Yes! [CHUKACHUKACHUKA] Die you BASTARD! [KABOOM] Yes!"

Am debating whether to try out my room again tonight, or just go into my brother's room from the get-go. Decisions, decisions.