fearlesstemp: (Default)
fearlesstemp ([personal profile] fearlesstemp) wrote2003-03-16 10:08 pm
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sunday sunday sunday



8:07AM: In theory, alarm goes off. Cannot verify this since I did not gain consciousness until

8:28AM: Dad bursts into bedroom bellowing, "JESSICA! You're going to be late for mass! The old man will flip out! It's not like he doesn't know what happens, but still, he'll flip out! GET UP!" and then slams out of the house on the way to church himself.

8:31AM: So do not want to get up. Have happy thought: perhaps it is 9:30 mass, not 9:00 mass! that could be cool!

8:32AM: Have called grandfather. It is 9:00 mass. Expletive.

8:33AM: Roll out of bed, cursing fates. Getting up before nine on the weekend Just Feels Wrong.

8:34AM: Engage in Abbreviated Jess Maintenance (for those keeping track, brush teeth, wash face, put hair puddy stuff in hair and shake head upside down, put on concealer, foundation, and lipgloss).

8:40AM: Burst into bedroom desperately searching out Appropriate Church Apparel. And a bra.

8:43AM: Am victorious! Race downstairs to find socks.

8:44AM: Cannot find socks downstairs. Run upstairs.

8:45AM: NO SOCKS UPSTAIRS. How can there be no socks? How? How? Church is in fifteen minutes! Fif! Teen! Minutes!

8:46AM: Realize did not look in pile of clothes in laundry basket next to dryer. Run downstairs.

8:47AM: SOCKS! THERE IS A GOD!

8:48AM: Realize am positively STARVING. In fact, stomach is growling. Try to remember from catechism classes eons ago: Are you supposed to fast before Communion? Ponder.

8:49AM: Dimly recall hearing something about having to fast back in The Day, but recently said fasting has been shorted to an hour before communion. Hm. Growly stomach. Feel faint. Will mass last an hour? Perhaps communion won't be served until almost ten! Then it would not be wrong! And also, am not that sure on the fasting thing. Grab granola bar and go.

8:58AM: Arrive at church. Race up steps, into church. They have started early!

8:59AM: Slide into grandfather's pew and have the following exchange:

Grandpa: (Unpleased by my late and solitary arrival) Where's your brother?

Me: (Is it especially wrong to lie in church?) He couldn't come. I didn't get a chance to tell him. It's not his fault.*

Grandpa: WELL, DOES HE EVER GO TO CHURCH, FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP?**

Me: Grandpa! Sssh!

*Total lie. He knew. I just took it upon myself to take the hit for him because it's his first Sunday of Spring Break, man! He deserves a break! Younger siblings don't know how good they've got it, with older siblings taking such shots for them. I wish I had an older sister to cover my ass, dammit.

**Paraphrased. All I really remember from this exchange is that (a) he bellowed it, and (b) the word "crap" was involved.

9:00AM: Massy goodness.

9:50AM: Emerge from church, pack grandfather into car. Offer to drive him home; am denied. Have following exchange:

Grandpa: (GuiltGun warmed up and ready -- fires!) Why don't you come back to the house? The girls [my aunts] will be coming by and there's always lots of food. It would be lovely to see you there.

Me: I...ok. In a bit. I have to go feed the cats I'm catsitting for, and then I'll come by, ok?

9:52AM: Arrive at car. Spot small object by car, which at first sight seems to be a beer can but upon a second look is some small black plastic rectangle thingy. Step over it into car and take off.

10:05AM: Arrive at Catsitting Location. Follow explicit Cat Food Directions, feed the three cats in the three different specified locations, scoop litter, open blinds, marvel at Mysterious Stinkiness in refrigerator and wonder if I should do something about it. Does House/Catsitting involve refrigerator-watching duties?

10:20AM: Duties completed. Should go to grandfather's. Don't really want to, as have good idea of what I will encounter.

10:21AM: Hate self for not wanting to visit old grandfather. Should go. Remind self that he is an old man and I love him and I shouldn't let the fact that he drives me crazy keep me from going to see him. Still don't want to go.

10:22AM: Yet more self loathing. Am not worthy to draw breath for not wanting to go! Should not be allowed to LIVE! Ooh, a laptop.

10:23AM: Check e-mail.

10:27AM: Okay, really leaving now. Off to grandfather's!

10:45AM: Arrive at grandfather's and find NO OTHER CARS THERE. Where are other relatives? What is wrong with them? Don't they know that he lives alone and needs company? Refuse to acknowledge own recent past of Lame Personage in almost not coming.

10:46AM: Hmm. No one there. Perhaps could drive away and come back? Undiluted Grandpa can be dangerous.

10:47AM: Hold on. Is that his car door still open? Is he in there? And wait, isn't that awful close to the closed garage door? Oh God. He's had an accident. They pulled him out of the wreckage and to the hospital and he's probably DEAD because I went to FEED THE CATS instead of BEING WITH MY GRANDFATHER! Hastily park car, race to garage.

10:48AM: Find car is a good three feet away from garage. No sign of prone grandfather. Wander around to front of house, open door.

10:49AM: Find grandfather in kitchen, doing crossword puzzle, perfectly fine. Want to throttle him for scaring me, instead kiss hello and fetch portions of newspaper for him, sit down across from him and chat.

10:52AM: Have already veered into Crazy Extremist Land. Jumping off point? Affirmative Action. Try to remind self not to engage, it only fuels him further. Stay calm. Do not respond.

10:54AM: Ha! I almost have that much self control.

11:40AM: Want to beat head against kitchen table or, possibly, set self on fire so as to have an excuse to run out of the house. Have already addressed (1) How Jews are overrepresented in Congress and that's why no Pro-Life legislation can get passed; (2) Why women shouldn't hold public office because it's not natural (it takes away from their primary role as mothers and caregivers); (3) In the same vein, why Title IX is so awful for 'forcing' women to be athletic and engage in rough sports that aren't appropriate for their delicate constitutions; (4) Keeping with the sports theme, how African-Americans are underrepresented everywhere because they're clearly the "natural athletes"; (5) Again with the sports theme, discussing tennis -- Isn't it amazing how chubby Serena beats thin Venus so often? [I would SO love to be chubby like Serena Williams, yo]; (6) The evils of Affirmative Action; and last, but not least (7) How depressed and disappointed he is that my brother and I are not regular churchgoing Catholics. Am in the middle of Topic (7) when the front door opens and my aunt Barbara steps in. Actually call out "Oh, thank God" and jump out of chair to greet her.

11:41AM: Barbara joins us in the kitchen, taking the edge off the interaction. Can finally breathe and, conceivably, make my getaway since aunt is here. Decide to wait a few minutes so as to not make my exit obvious.

11:50AM: What? Barbara is LEAVING? But she's only been here TEN MINUTES! SHE HASN'T EARNED THE RIGHT TO LEAVE YET! I CAN'T STAY ALONE, DON'T MAKE ME STAY ALONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

11:51AM: Jump out of chair after Barbara and leave as well. Hate self for not being able to stay longer but cannot. Am massively hungry. Offer to make grandfather lunch; he passes.

12:00PM: Stand outside house commiserating with aunt over how difficult grandfather is. Neither of us knows what to do.

12:10PM: Leave.

12:20PM: Arrive home. Cannot find garage door opener; decide to think about it later and go into house to find mother wandering around in pajamas looking bleary-eyed and vaguely sick. Recall how much fun mom had at St. Patrick's Day Parade yesterday and at her sister's house immediately afterwards and understand her under-the-weatherness. Try very hard not to be amused.

12:22PM: Fail. Remind mother of her drunken phone call to me to come "eat dinner with her at Aunt Kelly's" which actually meant "Come out here because I'm too smashed to take myself home."

12:25PM: Make self oatmeal. Eat. Decide to force brother to see 3PM showing of Shanghai Knights. Am happy girl.

1:00PM: Hode on. Mother is making suspicious grocery-needing sounds and still is in pajamas. Feel request coming on.

1:10PM: Ah, there it is. Request made and accepted.

1:11PM: Hode on again. What about 3PM movie? MUST SEE SHANGHAI KNIGHTS! HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR MONTHS! Or at least weeks.

1:20PM: Mother is taking forever to write list. Keep reminding her of Movie That I Must See.

1:22PM: Remember Brother is still sleeping (slacker!) and go upstairs, poke at him till he wakes up and announce that he has to get up in a half hour and go see the movie with me whether he wants to or not.

1:30PM: Leave for grocery store.

1:40PM: Arrive at grocery store. SWEET parking spot. This is good!

1:45PM: Am in line at deli. Disturbing: Little number dispenser is broken! Note who is there in front of me.

1:47PM: Deli Peep comes out and fixes number machine. Am last number-less person. Three people who arrived AFTER me walk over and get numbers BEFORE I do. One woman shot a sidelong glance my way so I KNOW she saw me and knew she was cutting in front of me.

1:52PM: Finally get called up, after two losers who jumped in front of me.

1:54PM: Leave deli section. Realize have twenty-one minutes to get everything I need at the grocery store. Lines are super-long. Stupid theater, only showing the movie at 3PM. Loser theater.

2:20PM: ARRIVE AT CAR. Am Shopping Genius! Have raced through aisles, darted in front of carts, cut people off, unashamedly dashed for the shortest line and can now get home with plenty of time!

2:30PM: Arrive home, dump groceries, find whole family sitting around talking. Brother slowly gets ready.

2:33PM: Very slowly.

2:38PM: MORE SLOWLY THAN ANY HUMAN BEING EVER, IN THE HISTORY OF TIME.

2:39PM: Brother is immune to verbal commands; stand outside house and ring doorbell over and over until he leaves.

2:58PM: Arrive at theater after breaking the speed limit for 90% of the ride. Race into mall, discover credit-card ticket-buying kiosk. SO COOL.

3:01PM: Race into oddly-crowded dark theater. Bumble around until we discover seats. Sit down to enjoy.

3:45PM: And ENJOY WE DID! Fabulous movie! Fabulous! I heart Owen Wilson! Pure fun. So totally lived up to Fun Expectations.

4:50PM: Decide to search around mall for small gift for Anna.

5:30PM: Small gift found; call hospital to find out Anna is too tired to visit and (!!!) has fever. Will spend the rest of the night all worried.

6:00PM: Arrive at catsitting house. Feed three different cats in three different locations, feed fish, close up blinds, etc etc.

6:25PM: Stop for gas on way home. Again look for garage door opener, this time with brother's help. Cannot find it.

6:27PM: Have Traumatic Wavy Lined Flashback to 9:52AM this morning and realize I SAW THE MISSING GARAGE DOOR OPENER AND DID NOT RECOGNIZE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS! The small plastic box thingy lying on the ground right next to the car!!! And why did I take this car in the first place? Why did my stupid father take my car this morning, leaving me with my mother's big van? If I had my car, there would be no garage door opener to lose! How? How does a person LOSE A GARAGE DOOR OPENER and then SEE IT and NOT FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS AND PICK IT UP?

6:28PM: Hate self. Cannot believe self's stupidity. Oh God.

6:29PM: Okay. Clearly have to go back to church and look for the missing object.

6:40PM: Arrive at church. Park near original parking spot, put on high beams, walk up and down street multiple times. No sign.

6:45PM: Get back in car. Face brother's amusement at my predicament. Hate him momentarily. No sympathy!

6:55PM: Hate is gone. Don't be hatin', yo. Decide to go home and face the music.

7:05PM: Arrive home. Confess to mother.

7:15PM: Yup, still being mocked.

7:30PM: Sitting at dinner, still with the mocking. My mother looks from my father who backed into my little blue car parked directly behind him only weeks ago, to me, garage door opener loser extraordinaire, and says to my brother, "They're the two in Mensa."

7:31PM: Am again consumed by own lameness. Eat dinner.

8:00PM: Should do laundry.

8:01PM: Watch various TV shows instead.

10:30PM: Sign on. Should write owed emails. Instead type this up.

11:50PM: Now. Way past my bedtime. Snoozeland for Jessers.

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